I’m trying to be a more optimistic person. I think having anxiety in general tends to make you have a “worse case scenario” mindset. sometimes this is good for a nurse. not always the case when dealing with your own issues.
The past 2 months I have been dealing with some health problems, and it has shown me a small glimpse of the life my cancer patients live. the many doctors appointments, never feeling well enough to “go out”, xrays, labs, procedures, and then waiting for results. as I have seen them have “good days” and “bad days”, I have had those myself. on my good days I feel on top of the world. I can draw any lab/start any IV no matter how bad their veins are. I’m answering phones, rooming patients, hanging chemo, discharging, admitting, EVERYTHING! on my bad days- it feels like I’m living in hell; dizzy, sweaty, nauseous, abdominal pain. begging the phones not to ring. using every ounce of strength to make it until 430.
Some days I am really hard on myself, like “come on, Katie, these patients have CANCER. you just have a stomach ache. get your shit together!” other days, what I should be doing is giving myself a break. not everyone feels 100% all the time. no one expects me to be in top form when I’m not feeling well. I feel bad though, because I hate missing work. I hate sitting on the sideline. I just hate having issues. some days I would kill to be “normal”.
What I have come to learn though, and want to pass on is– what ever your problem is, it’s an important problem to you and it should be shared/acknowledged/taken care of.
don’t compare it to anyone else’s problems. in the grand scheme of life it may seem small, but your worth is not small. if there is something bothering you or taking over your thoughts, you need to tell someone. don’t let the shame eat away at you. if you feel like you don’t have someone in your life to share with, I am all ears. if you end up sharing and that person is mean- get rid of them. you don’t need that negativity in your life. see amazing quote below.
just some of my thoughts tonight as I recover from my endoscopy/colonoscopy earlier this morning. hoping for some answers soon for my stomach problems. thanks to my family/friends/coworkers for the amazing support through this stressful time. I appreciate the love so much! -kt