I feel like I’m getting close to the edge.
The edge of falling back into my eating disorder symptoms.
The edge of wanting control of everything but living in constant chaos.
The edge of anxiety and depression and anger and fear.
The edge of shutting everyone out but begging for someone to help.
I told myself in 2010 when I left inpatient treatment that I would never get to this place again. but I never imagined living with unrelenting nausea and abdominal pain that would cause me to lose 50 pounds in three months.
The weight loss has given me that rush again. The inability to eat because of nausea has masked itself as restriction in my eating disorder brain. When I actually do get to eat, I am not used to the feeling of being full and I can’t tolerate it. I’ve purged three times this week. and I know I’m close to the edge of falling back into my bulimia because I tell myself, “you throw up all the time from being sick, it’s the same thing”. Even though I know it’s not at all.
I’m having surgery in 12 days to hopefully fix my stomach issue. The doctor isn’t sure it will resolve the problem but it needs to be done anyway. What if it doesn’t work and I get sicker? What if I have a complication in my recovery? in the back of my mind, a worse thought, what if the surgery works and I can eat again? Will I be ok or will I fall back into old ways?
Since graduating highschool in 2007 I had several moments where I was close to the edge of either having it all or losing it all. here’s a brief timeline:
11.2007- first serious boyfriend
7.2010- eating disorder treatment
5.2011- college graduation
12.2011- first serious breakup
1.2012- first nursing job
4.2013- first time living on my own
6.2013- medical issues ruined my summer
9.2014- new nursing job
11.2014- current medical issues
I feel like I’ve tried really hard to not let my past define me. to not let my past determine my present. but it has shaped who I have become. I am a better nurse because I’ve been a patient. I’m a better listener because I want to be heard. I’m a better friend because I know what it’s like to be lonely. I don’t want to fall off the edge. I guess the first step is realizing you are about to slip.