I am depressed. the worst part? feeling it. the first time I was depressed I got to that numb phase very fast. this time I feel everything. the sadness, emptiness, anxiety, loneliness, shame. the days are long and dark and the thought of getting up and doing it again tomorrow is scary and exhausting.
I hate how we don’t talk about it in our society. I hate how we hide it. that makes it so much worse. so much more painful. we try to fix it ourselves, fake that smile, pretend nothing is wrong. until one day you can’t get out of bed. and you cry over stupid things like a lightbulb burning out. the rebuilding is so hard. it makes every task in life seem impossible. one 8 hour work day is a marathon.
I went to therapy this week. I try to go once a month. we tried to figure out what sparked my depression this time. I was doing well. new job, new apartment, dating. the difficulty of not feeling well for 6 months has caught up to me, and not having answers why is difficult. the surgery did help the pain a lot. I deal with nausea every day. it’s debilitating. and dealing with death at my job has been really hard too. as a nurse in the Cancer Center, we often have several patients pass away every week. we get so close to our patients, we see them so much, we become like a family. 3 weeks ago one of our closest patients died, and I was taking care of her the day before. and because I cared about her so much I couldn’t even recognize that she was actively dying. I just kept telling myself she would be ok. I didn’t even say goodbye. the next day I showed up and she had passed away early that morning. I was devastated.
My therapist and I talked about it for a while and came to the understanding that this type of nursing gives me a unique look at the world. it gives me a more meaningful lease on life as I see how many are lost. and it reminds me how short life is and to live to the fullest. I know the true meaning in ‘goodbye’. it is heartbreaking and it is real. my therapist said “if you decide to love you have to be able to deal with the loss”. she said I should take heart that in my patient’s final days, I looked past her cancer diagnosis and treated her with dignity as a human being and loved her and made her comfortable. that is the best I can do.
I get in this mindset that I don’t ‘deserve’ to have pain. I compare my pain to others and tell myself that my problems are less important and I shouldn’t have negative emotions. the problem with that is- all humans have pain. and that pain is real to us. we can’t compare pain because our souls are different and we have different paths in life. unless you deal with your pain it will add weight to your soul and drag the sadness through your life. take life into your hands. that’s what I’m trying to do.