it’s been awhile since I’ve written on here. I’ve been struggling to decide if I want to, if it’s too much of me to put out there. there are parts of me I don’t want to share. that feel too dark, vulnerable. but that’s the problem with mental illness… no one wants to talk about it. it’s so secret. and debilitating. and embarrassing. we hide it. from each other. from ourselves. so I will post about whatever the heck I want, because it’s real. and it helps me.
today in therapy, we talked about my core beliefs. what has shaped who I am. what do I say over and over to myself to make me feel this way? why is my coping mechanism to put up walls and pretend I’m so tough? I sat there looking at her with my arms and legs crossed, oblivious to my body language. and she pointed out that this is how I live. I close myself off to people so they don’t see who I really am. I show people that I’m tough, that I don’t give a fuck. I swear, joke, laugh it off. I don’t let people in, I don’t show that I’m a mess. barely hanging on.
my core belief is explained so well in this quote from the book “The Circle” when the main character describes “the tear” which to me is depression, anxiety, my eating disorder: anything that gives you that ache inside. it tears you open and you try everything to sew it back up. “the tear. the tear was the madness of not knowing who would love you and for how long. it was not knowing that was the seed of madness, loneliness, suspicion, fear”. that is my core belief: ‘who would love me?’.
my therapist pointed out to me that in my life most things have come easy to me. I am smart, athletic, good with people, funny, pretty (that’s hard for me to even type). so when something doesn’t come easy I get irritated and anxious. so now as an adult, when nothing seems easy, I live in a constant state of anxiety wondering when the next thing will go wrong or overwhelm me. it’s a horrible way to live. I didn’t realize until today how babied I was and still am by my family. I haven’t appreciated it as much as I should. and I still expect more from them, to ask me how I am, to dig deeper.
now I am thinking, how do I even be myself? I don’t think I have ever acted like my true self, without walls up. how do you become the person you are? will I like that Katie?